The following teaching is in conjunction with a teaching I did for men, titled, “Husbands, Your Wife Can’t Do Without AFFECTION.” You will find that teaching HERE.

No Sex, Please, We’re Married

This was the title of an August 2003 Newsweek cover story. While our culture is clearly obsessed with sex, it seems to be largely overrated for those who have been married for any significant number of years. Studies reveal that, more and more, married couples are enjoying physical intimacy far less because of exhaustion, dual incomes, demands of raising children, antidepressants, anger and lack of domestic support for chores around the home.

God’s perspective, however, teaches us that sex within marriage is never under rated but is rather meant to draw and bond husbands and wives together for pleasure, procreation, and protection.

Take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:2-5: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (NIV)

Men and women, this is one need your mate cannot have met by any other person! Needs are powerful! No matter how spiritual you are – or think you are – if your needs are not met by your spouse they will, with relentless force, seek to be met in some other way.

After years of counseling, Dr. Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, has discovered that “the typical wife does not understand her husband’s deep need of sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection” (page 43).

When a man and woman choose each other they are making a life long commitment to meet one another’s needs. Many Christian marriages struggle behind closed doors with a lack of commitment and follow through in meeting each other’s sexual needs.
According to Harley’s research (some twenty-five years after publication) the top need for men (and some women) is still sexual intimacy!

As one guy shared in one of my disciple groups, “I used to think of sex all the time. When I told this to my Dad, he said ‘son I just think of sex only 20% of the time.’” The son was really feeling guilty until his father went on to say, ‘I think of sex one second out of every five seconds’”

Look at the healthy perspective of intimacy between a husband and wife found in the Song of Solomon . After describing her physical beauty, Solomon and the Shulamite, his bride, consummate their marriage: “How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! … (Her response) “Awake, north wind, and come, Southwind! Blow upon my garden, (garden in the ancient Near East was a euphemism for a woman’s sexuality) that it’s
fragrance may flow out. Let my beloved come into this garden and eat its fruit.” [Song of Solomon 4:10-16 (selected)

Print up this article and sit down with your spouse. Each of you rate yourselves on a scale of 1-10 as to how you feel your marriage is doing

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Starvation Meager Satisfied Thrilled

Dale, did a teaching on the two top needs of men and women at a marriage seminar in February. If you would like to hear this message you may access it under Audio Messages title, “Enriching Your Marriage.” February 20, 2010.

Affection is the cement of a relationship. It is the bond that knits wives to their husbands like nothing else.  When a man gives his wife affection he saying things like this:  “I care for you!”  “You are the most important person to me!”  “What would I do without you?” “I will defend you!”

Look at what the Apostle Paul says, “Husbands go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.” Colossians 3:19, The Message. The Amplified Bible puts it this way, “…be affectionate and sympathetic with them, and do not be harsh, bitter or resentful toward them.”

As a Pastor I have discovered this about marriage relationships:  All LOVE IS LEARNED!  This really is profound because it means that no matter what our family background is we can plow new ground by incremental steps of obedience.

Husbands here are four ways you can show affection to your mates:

By Your Words
Every wife needs a steady diet of compliments. Think of creative ways you can affirm her by what you say. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue:  and they that love it (to talk) shall eat it’s fruit.” (NASB)
Compliments that highlight her beauty and behavior will empower her to lift her head high, keep going in the challenges of life, and at the same time bring her deep fulfillment!

By Your Actions
The exchange of positive behaviors is the key determiner of marital happiness. Mutual happiness is the glue to a fulfilling marriage.  In fact, it is said that for every one negative interaction there needs to be seventeen positive actions.  Wow! Lets get to the practical doing side of caring for our wives!

James 2:22 (NIV) says, “You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.”

By Your Touch
Some of the most sensitive nerves are in our hands.  A light touch to your mate’s shoulder, arm, leg or neck is a powerful means to demonstrate affection. Men, each day make it your aim to touch your wife before you leave for work, right before you go to sleep, while you pray together out loud, at the dinner table, while you are watching TV and at countless other moments throughout your day. Husbands, take the initiative!

By Your Focused Attention
One of the most significant reasons couples drift apart is because they start to live their lives separate from each other. Of course we need individual time, but when we start living a lifestyle of individual activities separate from one another, your marriage will suffer. It’s as simple as that.

Exchanging eye contact, face-to-face communication, turning off the TV, and sitting down together in moments where it’s ‘just the two of you’, are practical ways that you can give focused attention.

Husbands ask your spouse: “What are ways that I can demonstrate affection that you enjoy?” Listen to her response and begin to act today.

Next Week I will address women specifically as to how they can meet the most important need for men-(physical intimacy).

Steyn, Mark. America Alone. p. 10

More frequently, marital breakups occur when one or both partners lack the skills or awareness to meet each other’s needs.  More often than not, being right or wrong for someone depends not on some mysterious compatibility quotient, but on how willing and able you are to meet that someone’s needs. No matter how healthy one’s marriage is there is always room for progress and one of the great realities is that we can all be retrained because all love is learned. There is always hope!

Figuratively speaking, we each have a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. Each person either makes deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with him or her. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions cause withdrawals. Two love banks are open for business in marriage.

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Most people would never consider pursuing a career without gaining knowledge of that particular field of work. Yet when it comes to marriage we fly by the seat of our pants without proper training and in many cases retraining. The simple command in 1 Peter 3 has huge ramifications.

Men and women make a study of your mate by discovering his or her needs. Work rigorously to fill your mates love bank by making direct deposits!

Deposits like words of affirmation, focused attention, consistent eye contact, touching and smiling, praying together out loud, holding hands, complementing each other privately and publically, listening and being attentive to each other when talking, opening up the Word of God together, and regularly engaging in healthy interactive conversations are ways that you can be sure your emotionally well- being will flourish!

One of the benefits of unselfish love is that eventually you begin to eat the fruit of your righteous actions. Enjoy each othe this is your companion for life!

Remember James 1:22 (ESV) “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

Next week I will address the most significant need for women!

When Linda and I were raising our kids we had a date every week, going out for coffee or to breakfast or lunch.  Splitting a meal kept the cost down and we exchanged babysitting with friends.

We discussed our goals and family plans, things we were facing with our children, strategies to take, concerns we had with each other, the kids and other subjects.  At times we brought a book and would read a few pages out loud to each other over our meal.

This was our time away from the demands of home to pray together while holding hands, to look each other in the eye and give words of affirmation.  Giving focused attention to each other filled our emotional tanks – and we were ready to go back home to love our kids and tackle the world.

I Peter 3:7, “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. If you don’t treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard.” (NLT)

Having this time with your spouse is a microcosm of keeping fresh in our relationship with Jesus Christ.  When we set aside time to meet with Him then our spiritual tanks are full to allow Him to do His work through us.

John 15:4, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me.” (NLT)

It can work if you make it work – keep fresh in your relationship with Christ and with your wife, His honored gift to you!

There never seems to be enough time to connect with each other as husbands and wives.  One major obstacle to a good marriage is excessive separateness – which usually results from an over emphasis on work and outside activities done without our mates.

In other words living too independently can lead to a single life.

“… Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.”  The tense in the original language is “continually live together.” 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)

This indicates that there is to be companionship doing life together – with understanding of our spouse, that we may at times need to be doing things together that our mate loves to do, but we may not necessarily like to do.

Of course, we all need to do separate activities to restore ourselves and to have different things to converse about.  But we are not meant to go our own separate ways at the expense of intimacy.